“Joe The Crow”

I have written, and re written this post so many times. I can never seem to get it right; but maybe it’s not suppose to be perfect. Maybe something like this is impossible to put to words.

The Dream Home has been quiet lately as you’ve probably all noticed. And for that I apologize. It’s been a rough few weeks for us. I want to tell you all about it, but don’t know if I will make it through this post if I do.

It all started at the beginning of November, when my Uncle Joe was in a single vehicle accident. He blacked out behind the wheel and ended up in the woods. His car was totaled. An officer drove him home after he refused medical attention. Those closest to him noticed a significant difference with his temperament, personality and memory. And eventually a few days after his accident he was taken to the hospital by his step father to finally be examined.

His scans showed bleeding in the brain, a tumor had caused the black out, causing the accident. Naturally my family rallied together and did everything we could to help him. His sister flew in to stay with him, she cooked for him, drove him to appointments, sat with him almost every night when he couldn’t sleep. We took turns visiting, bringing him treats (pudding mainly), and just being there for him.

The doctor performed a biopsy of the tumor. He needed to determine if it was cancerous or not. We had no treatment plan as we sat and waited for results that ultimately never came. On November 24, he was gone. He was 53 years old.

I think what upsets me most is the distance I allowed between us. He lived only minutes from me and I only saw him a few times a year. He used to tease me so bad sometimes that I thought he hated me, was disappointed in me, embarrassed by me. But in the days after his death, while spending time inside his home, and going through his belongings, I learned that wasn’t the case. He had every photo of me he was ever given. Pictures of my children, stories and memories he had shared with his friends and family that were filled with pride.

Grief is not linear. I was told that recently. It is a circle, a ring of emotions. You may find your world ending one day, and the next day you feel like you have come to terms with what’s happened. But that doesn’t mean that the following day you wont wake up to crumbling walls again. There are days when I have to push him out of my mind, because I just don’t have the time or energy to grieve. Then there are times, when my kids are in bed, and its quiet, and dark that I let him seep in. His face, his voice, my favorite memories of him. I have to let myself feel it. The lose, pain, overwhelming sadness, I let it all in.

I spent a great deal of my life feeling sorry for my Uncle Joe. I looked at him, and his life, and believed it to be empty. He was not married, no kids, lived alone. And I always pitied him. But in those final days, and even after, I am mad at myself for thinking that way. He passed away with a room filled with family, holding him and loving him. During his service, there wasn’t even enough seats to accommodate all the people he had touched within those 53 short years. And there was a moment during the service, where it was brought to our attention that Joe had something not many ever live to have, peace. He was content with himself. “Those who fly solo have the strongest wings”

I don’t know if there will ever be a right or wrong way to say goodbye. I don’t know if he is watching over us, or hears me when I talk to him. I hope he can. I hope he knows everything I am feeling and thinking. I hope he sees my daughter drag her “Joey Bear” to bed with her every single night. I hope he is reunited with his mother, and his lost pets, and mine for that matter. I hope one day I see him again. But until that day, I will do my absolute best to make him proud.

1929290_308439860182_7307335_n

Rest in peace Uncle Joe – you will be forever loved and missed xo

Advertisements

One thought on ““Joe The Crow”

  1. Rach, I often read up on your goings on about the home but for some reason missed this one till just now. Funny because I am wide awake at 3:33am and needed to read what you say.
    I miss my brother everyday and it has never gotten any easier. I miss our talks weekly about life, family and mostly the house and how the work is coming along.
    I hope Joe is proud of the work I have done to his little piece of heaven, I struggle daily with it. Is it what he wanted, does it look right and so on…
    He and I both talked of you often and how you have grown into a beautiful, wonderful loving woman and mother. You should know that he was very proud of who you became. It show’s in your kids hearts and smiles dear.
    All the water that has flowed under that bridge since his death has separated this family so bad, the rift that now exists is so huge, I know he is upset at all of us for allowing his death to pull us apart. I am guilty as well, I have anger in my heart and I am lonely for my family again. I just don’t know how to pull it together, so I do what we all do best, I retreat and hide my pain and anger and hurt. I stop talking to my family and loose touch with many.
    It’s not right, but I just can’t handle the pain of what happened and how we tore his loving memory to shreds over assumptions of what he wanted.
    Nothing can bring Joe back, and nothing can replace these lost days within our family dynamics.
    So sad to know that in those short weeks after we lost Joe, I lost so many other family members to hate, anger and ugliness.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s